Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Things that actually happened

Nick is home sick from work. I head home from the office to grab lunch. Nick has made a nest of blankets and Youtube and tea and Kleenex in our den. I join him with a serving bowl of salad on my lap that I am eating out of with a fork.

I return the salad bowl to the fridge and return with a huge square of leftover spinach strata that I am eating with my hands.

Finally I pour myself some raisin bran and sit down on the couch, peering lovingly into my third lunch. Nick looks up at me and grins a huge snide smile. He says, "Really?" and starts laughing his high-pitched whinny typically reserved for when my underwear is threadbare or I can't get the housekey to turn in the lock.

I burst into tears and bolt for the front door. Still holding my cereal, I find a spot where I can't be seen from the windows or if he follows me out the front door in pursuit. I make myself flat against the brick and continue eating my cereal. A neighbor passes me in the alley. I smile, he looks down. I am, after all, a woman pressed against a house, halfway behind a bush, eating cereal in business casual clothes.

I reenter the house. Nick regards me like a cornered opossum, like he's reassuring himself that I am actually more afraid of him than he is of me. I grab my bag and smile insanely and leave in my car. I drive down the street and park because, well, I don't want to go back to work. I call him and sob like a hammered sorority girl that I feel SO LONELY and WITHOUT SUPPORT and DON'T LAUGH AT MY APPETITE I AM SENSITIVE.

I drive back home and lay down on the bed. Nick sits on my stomach and honks my boob. I tell him that it was muh-muh-mean to laugh at my third lunch. He says, "I wasn't supposed to laugh? You were eating cereal out of a wine glass with a sundae spoon."

SCENE

5 comments:

  1. I laughed, but it was the laugh of FEELING YOU.

    And the boob honk? I mean, for me it's better than flowers! :)

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  2. Oh Evie, oh Evie. You are truly a kindred spirit. I've always had a soft-spot for Ohio too :)

    This reminds me of the past weekend when I was cleaning the house like a crazy person, repairing a giant pile of farm jeans, pulling ticks off the animals and feeling like the to-do list was going to overwhelm me, all the while listening to episodes of Law & Order: SVU on hulu for background noise. After about three and a half hours of this the Cowboy, sick on the couch, said "Man, what are you going to do when you watch all of them?"

    A statement which meant nothing but rendered me grumpy and tearful saying, " I get LONELY while I'm sewing, I like the background NOISE! I'm not really WATCHING. It's that time of the month and I feel so alone!! Don't make FUN OF ME!!!"

    Then he immediately treated me as if *I* was the possum (see some resonances here?), which made me laugh, which made him laugh, and all was well. Except for the fact that I'm apparently nuts.

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  3. That story made my day!

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  4. Oh, I feel you.

    And this made me laugh so hard because of that. :)

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  5. I just want you to know that 1-this is my life, minus business casual, and 2-i literally told this story to jon today as we walked home from Kroger. He lol'ed. You are hilarious and awesome, and oh-so-too-relatable to my life:)

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