Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Things that actually happened

Nick is home sick from work. I head home from the office to grab lunch. Nick has made a nest of blankets and Youtube and tea and Kleenex in our den. I join him with a serving bowl of salad on my lap that I am eating out of with a fork.

I return the salad bowl to the fridge and return with a huge square of leftover spinach strata that I am eating with my hands.

Finally I pour myself some raisin bran and sit down on the couch, peering lovingly into my third lunch. Nick looks up at me and grins a huge snide smile. He says, "Really?" and starts laughing his high-pitched whinny typically reserved for when my underwear is threadbare or I can't get the housekey to turn in the lock.

I burst into tears and bolt for the front door. Still holding my cereal, I find a spot where I can't be seen from the windows or if he follows me out the front door in pursuit. I make myself flat against the brick and continue eating my cereal. A neighbor passes me in the alley. I smile, he looks down. I am, after all, a woman pressed against a house, halfway behind a bush, eating cereal in business casual clothes.

I reenter the house. Nick regards me like a cornered opossum, like he's reassuring himself that I am actually more afraid of him than he is of me. I grab my bag and smile insanely and leave in my car. I drive down the street and park because, well, I don't want to go back to work. I call him and sob like a hammered sorority girl that I feel SO LONELY and WITHOUT SUPPORT and DON'T LAUGH AT MY APPETITE I AM SENSITIVE.

I drive back home and lay down on the bed. Nick sits on my stomach and honks my boob. I tell him that it was muh-muh-mean to laugh at my third lunch. He says, "I wasn't supposed to laugh? You were eating cereal out of a wine glass with a sundae spoon."



  1. I laughed, but it was the laugh of FEELING YOU.

    And the boob honk? I mean, for me it's better than flowers! :)

  2. Oh Evie, oh Evie. You are truly a kindred spirit. I've always had a soft-spot for Ohio too :)

    This reminds me of the past weekend when I was cleaning the house like a crazy person, repairing a giant pile of farm jeans, pulling ticks off the animals and feeling like the to-do list was going to overwhelm me, all the while listening to episodes of Law & Order: SVU on hulu for background noise. After about three and a half hours of this the Cowboy, sick on the couch, said "Man, what are you going to do when you watch all of them?"

    A statement which meant nothing but rendered me grumpy and tearful saying, " I get LONELY while I'm sewing, I like the background NOISE! I'm not really WATCHING. It's that time of the month and I feel so alone!! Don't make FUN OF ME!!!"

    Then he immediately treated me as if *I* was the possum (see some resonances here?), which made me laugh, which made him laugh, and all was well. Except for the fact that I'm apparently nuts.

  3. That story made my day!

  4. Oh, I feel you.

    And this made me laugh so hard because of that. :)

  5. I just want you to know that 1-this is my life, minus business casual, and 2-i literally told this story to jon today as we walked home from Kroger. He lol'ed. You are hilarious and awesome, and oh-so-too-relatable to my life:)